As many of you know, I’m having a rough go of it lately with respect to finances. I don’t really know how to handle this situation mentally and emotionally – I don’t want to come across as a whiner, or like I’m some sort of a ‘victim’ of circumstance. I also don’t want to be one of those people who sits around not DOING anything to change their situation – generally I’m a fairly pro-active person. But the way things are now, well – the whole issue is tricky, and not easily solved by just ‘doing something.’ First, there are so many options (and if you’ve been reading for a while, you know me and options = anxiety): I could get a roommate. I could get a serious part-time job (not just hours here and there with Clinique). I could sell and buy a new, smaller, more affordable
hole-in-the-wall place. I could rent my condo and then rent an affordable apartment to live in. Everyone has great suggestions for me, and are trying to help the best way they can. Problem is, I am the type of person that can see merit in just about any idea a person has, so every new suggestion seems like ‘The Best Choice.’ And every option has a downside, which makes it easy to cast aside. I like my space. I like my free time. I love my condo – maybe not the location, which (as much as I like the area) means I’m terribly isolated from almost everyone I know, but the actual building and unit itself is damn near perfect. SO. What the heck do I do?!?
Essentially since I returned from New Zealand I’ve been a lesser version of myself. I’m tired often, I’m unproductive, I’m generally uninterested (in reading, in work, in running, in being social, in romance – take your pick)…I just feel overall blah. And everyone around me has all these great things happening and going on, and as truly happy as I am for them, what it seems to mean for me is that no one really notices that I’m struggling, that I’m trying to maintain this joie de vivre that I’ve always had, but that I’m failing. And I’m not interested in bringing them down with me.
Note: I can write all this here because the majority of people in my life don’t read my blog. Typing that sentence feels kind of shitty, actually, when you think about it. But I don’t hold it against them; the reason I started the blog and then continued it was because it was so amazing to me to actually meet other like-minded individuals, when I truly thought there were none. So they really have no reason to read my ramblings on makeup and beauty.
Last week I realized that I spend almost 100% of my free time looking at makeup etc. on the internet. I come home most evenings to just sit at my computer and stare at the screen, making lists upon lists of products to try, and then repeat the same behavior every single night. I’ve been pondering this behavior a lot and trying to figure it out. Sure, I’m kind of obsessed with beauty and I sure do love makeup and all the pretty things that come out here and there. But I’ve never taken it this far. It’s never taken over.
I think the reason I’m behaving this way, is because it gives me something to hope for. Even on a small scale, regardless of the fact that ‘hoping’ for more makeup may be sad, and pathetic in it’s way, nevertheless – making wishlists of beauty products allows me to imagine a time when I might have more money to actually indulge myself, sort of like acting in a self-fulfilling way; if I write these products down, it’s like saying ‘I will be able to purchase that, someday’. It’s not to say that I don’t buy makeup at all now – obviously that’s not the case (see all the posts over the last 6 months!). But every single purchase comes with a price: guilt. And just like anything else, once I deem something as a ‘no-go,’ it tends to be all I think about.
Anyway, that’s a little bit of what’s going on with me lately. Sorry to be a downer, but you know everyone has low points in their lives, and this just happens to be one of mine. While this blog is dedicated to beauty, it doesn’t mean I’m a robot without feelings, and blogs by nature are a place to express yourself. It just so happens that my expression today is sadness. Additionally, sometimes its easier to confess to those you’re not as close to – for the most part I’ve been keeping my feelings under wraps with my loved ones, as I find those who care about you most want to give you advice, rather than just be an ear. And I think right now I’m kind of maxed out on advice.
I will return to the regular light and fluffy posts now – in fact, I’m just about to write a review on Chanel’s quad in Vanités. If you stuck through this whole ramble, I applaud you. Life isn’t always fun, but you have to have some lows to appreciate the highs.